Top Ten Lame-Ass Fantasy Team Names

Flashback to early September: It's a few days before opening weekend in the NFL. You've drafted your team. You've scouted your opponents' rosters for potential trades. And you've cleared your Sunday schedule for the next 17 weeks. One critical element remains:

Picking a witty team name

You know the feeling: 10 minutes after entering the name on your league Web site, you eagerly await the inevitable "Brilliant" and "You are brilliant" and "I can't believe you're so brilliant" e-mails from your opponents.

But they never come, do they? No, they never come. And why not? Because you're not funny.

Still, there's hope. If you can learn how to avoid the mis-steps that have damaged millions of reputations, you might be well on your way to a winning team name . . . and as a result, quite possibly, a winning team.

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Top Ten Lame-Ass Fantasy Team Names

(with thanks to Chris Hood and Dan Johnson for contributing 3 of the entries)

10. The Winners

You love telling people how great you are. But when you're home alone in the dark, you sob yourself to sleep while clutching your tattered Teddy Ruxpin.

9. The Athletic Supporters

You are a genius at word play! A Shakespeare for the modern age! And a nimrod for borrowing a pun that's older than the Bible . . . and not nearly as funny. Now go read to your girlfriend from your Mad Magazine collection.

8. The Tom Brady Bunch

Okay, I think I get this. Wait, don't tell me. Okay, there's Tom Brady--I get that. He's a football player. And then there's . . . hold on . . . gimme another moment . . . to figure out . . . this riddle . . .

7. Big Balls

Not only do you have big balls, but now you've let the world in on your secret. Too bad you have only two to share. And too bad you're so transparently over-compensating for your latent sexual inferiority complex.

6. Hammer Time

Your team name each year since '91. You enjoy calling your opponent every Sunday, proclaiming, "U can't touch this" and "I'm 2 legit 2 quit," and then quickly hanging up and sighing contentedly while grabbing another extra-large handful of Cheetos. And you wonder why nobody has your number stored on their cell phone. . . .

5. The Icky Shuffle

A throwback to pathetic touchdown celebrations. You're the lone Bengals fan in your league eager to remind the world of your team's "glory days." You practice the Shuffle at home before bed each night so that you can present it to your friends at the annual Christmas party. But sadly, your dance performance--like its name--looks more like a frantic walk of shame after losing control with the latest Maxim magazine.

4. The Mighty Morphin Flower Arrangers

You've taken the name of an endearing children's television show and turned it on its ear. How brazenly naughty. How sinfully decadent. Congratulations on being crowned emperor of Tool-ville.

3. The Dynamic Duo

You've decided to co-own a team with your best bud in the world. Two great friends, one super squad--joined at the hip, fantasy-style. It'll soon be apparent that you're too amazing for this league. And it's all too apparent that you're too cheap to pay for separate teams.

2. The John Elways (or any other sports hero you'll never meet)

By naming your team after your favorite player, you're showing all the other punks in your league that you're playing to win. This alone should intimidate them into forfeiting each game. And if they don't, you can always go home and write yet another letter to Elway asking what women look like up close.

1. Norfolk-in-Chance

As in, "No F*cking Chance." But you've taken it a step further, gleefully burying the dirty word in a series of clean words. You're so excited about your awesome name that you go home to brag to your girlfriend. But she's already moved out.

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Barring an unforeseen Digg-like marketing blitz, this will be my last blog post. Topping out at 99 visitors per day, this site requires too much research and writing--2-3 hours daily--to warrant continuing for .0000015% of the world's population.

Now I realize the .0000015% of you might be pissed--at least those of you who haven't clicked away by now. You're wondering, "What will become of us? Where will we turn next?"

Whatever time you spent reading this site, I suggest you invest it in something more useful, such as:

1. Picking up a book and reading the back cover
2. Playing catch with your favorite son for a minute
3. Starting cooking an egg
4. Thinking about what you're going to wear tomorrow

And what will become of me? Thank you for asking, loyal .0000015%. I've lost most of you? Okay, to the remaining .00000002%, in case . . . okay, to the final .000000001%, in . . . ugh, all right, to my parents, who are the only people still reading this . . . all right, to my mother, who's reading this to my father while he's in between conference calls with clients . . .

Fuck this. Turns out I'm the only one who's made it this far down the page.

-- What about me? --

Is that you, Fantasy B.J.?

-- Damn straight. Now listen up: --

-- Wherever there is an office cubicle where co-workers gather... --

-- Wherever there is a sports bar with a break in the action... --

-- Wherever there is a bathrooom stall to sit and collect one's thoughts... --

-- ...I'll be there to share my trademark hardcore fantasy sports analysis. --

Where are you going, Fantasy B.J.?

-- To Internet Heaven. --

What's up there?

-- Web sites that never survived. I've just finished reading Judge Lance Ito's blog . . . . --

And Dirk Hardy and Jo-Jo McSofty? Are they up there with you?

-- No, silly. They're a part of you. They've been a part of you all along. --

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That's pretty much how the conversation ended. There were some other pleasantries tossed around, but nothing notable.

In the end, when it comes to winning at fantasy sports, remember this:

May your research be forever diligent, your emotions forever restrained, and your picks forever justifiable.

And so, on we go, spreading our buttery knowledge on toasty sports fans yearning to be consumed by fantasy truth. Always spread wide. And always eat heartily.

This Day in Fantasy Sports History: November 4

November 4, 1984:

The Seattle Seahawks' defense scored 4 touchdowns--all on interception returns--for high school teacher Billy Matthews' "Fierce Falcon Crests."

However, he lost a heart-breaker to attorney Rosetta Fandango's "Reagan Regulars," as the league commissioner's answering machine was broken that week, thus preventing Mr. Matthews from placing the Seahawks on his active roster.

Fantasy B.J.'s Week 9 Hardcore Predictions: The Rebound Effect

The Rebound Effect

• When a bad player has a bad game, that player is not likely to rebound in his next game.

• When a mediore player has a bad game, that player has a medicore shot at rebounding in his next game.

• When a great player has a bad game, expect that player to rebound, hardcore-style.

This is our Week 9 philosophy, and it should carry us through any fantasy sports competition we pursue from today until the day we're 6 feet under (or a mile up if you're a fan of heaven).

As you know, I'll never recommend rock-star players; you should be playing these guys week after week, and you don't need me to tell you otherwise.

For our purposes, the "Rebound Effect" should be applied to undervalued players who are ready to explode in their next game. Sure, they might come back down to Earth in Week 10, but all we care about right now is Week 9. All we care about is whether 1 or 2 "mediocre" players will rise to the occasion and help fill a gap on your team, providing a TD or 2 to put you over the top against that old high school buddy you really wanna beat.

And with that, let's look at this week's hardcore picks, and what makes each potentially a top-10 player at their position for Week 9:

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QB -- Jason Campbell: The Redskins were absolutely destroyed against the Patriots last week. Campbell sucked, throwing an interception and losing 3 fumbles, dropping him to #20 in CBS Sportsline's QB statistical ratings. As you know, motivation is a very important "Fantasy B.J." factor when selecting undervalued performers. Read this Canadian Press article to see how the Redskins are planning to respond. Going up against the anemic Jets, you can count on Campbell and the rest of the 'Skins to put up hardcore numbers.

RB -- Kevin Jones: As good as Jones has looked the last two games, he's still not viewed as an upper-tier running back:

• He's rushed for less than 700 yards in each of his last two seasons
• He plays in a "pass first" system, where carries are hard to come by
• He's coming off a foot injury that has limited his contributions this season

So why is he a hardcore play for Week 9? He's playing the worst rushing defense in the league--and one that is coming off a short week's rest after playing Monday night. He's also hungry to make something of a season that almost got away from him. One bad game from Jones might mean a return of Tatum Bell. Jones is motivated to help carry this team, and at least this week, he will.

WR -- Jerry Porter has the potential for explosive games; he just hasn't delivered very often. Why this week? Three hardcore reasons:

1. Josh McCown is back at QB, which will help the passing game
2. They're playing a weak Houston defense
3. WR Ronald Curry is battling a foot injury, which might clear the way for Porter to step up
4. After an off game last week, Porter will rebound with big stats
   

Obviously, if you have top-tier options at WR, keep them active. But if you're looking to fill a hole, play Porter with reckless abandon.

TE -- Vernon Davis has been on this list before. His potential is on par with nearly any tight end in the league. He is the go-to guy in San Francisco. Last week he reminded fans what he's capable of with a 71-yard, 1-TD performance, which can easily be duplicated against the hapless Falcons in Week 9. and with his preferred QB Alex Smith back at the helm, it's time to recommend Davis one more time . . . before he's too good to list on this site.

Defense -- The Redskins: After giving up 52 points last week, Washington's defense now ranks 12th in CBS Sportsline's statistical rankings. They're just mediocre enough to qualify on this blog. Good thing, too, because I'm picking them to be the #1 defense of the week. Crazy, you say?

Let's put it this way, I haven't been this confident since picking Chris Cooley three weeks ago, and he put together a truly hardcore performance. Expect the 'Skins to dominate the Jets the same way the Patriots dominated them.

It's like the big brother who gets beaten up at school and then takes it out on the little brother. Poor little Jets. Poor little munchkins. . . .