With apologies to David Letterman--and if this goes poorly, with deep apologies--each Thursday we'll bring you a Top Ten List on a topical fantasy football story. This week we're covering the Miami Dolphins, a once storied franchise that has descended to the depths of fantasy hell. In the last few weeks alone, the team has seen the loss of:
- #1 RB Ronnie Brown (to torn ACL)
- #1 WR Chris Chambers (to the Chargers)
- #1 QB Trent Green (to concussion)
- #1 Linebacker Zach Thomas (to car crash)
While bad teams certainly can have great fantasy players, the Dolphins are running out of options. They are dead last in defense, and they are without their only two legitimate offensive threats. Do we really expect Marty Booker and Derek Hagan to pick up the slack at wide-out? Can we imagine Cleo Lemon leading the Dolphins back from 21-point deficits (which will occur each game at arond the 8-minute mark of the 1st quarter)? Can anyone explain how new #1 RB Jesse Chatman will get any carries near the goal line, as the 'Fins struggle to avoid going 3-and-out on every possession?
And so, with 0-16 imminent, here it is . . .
The Top Ten Things The Dolphins Actually Could Be Good At:
10. Covering the spread
9. Watching television
8. Patting each other's asses after a well-deserved 1-yard run on 3rd and 8
7. Patting their opponents' asses when there's no ass left to pat
6. Making toast
5. Sending "thank you" notes to their 40 remaining fans
4. Getting hit by lightning (or some other freakish accident destined to befall this cursed team)
3. Eating Snickers bars
2. Farting
1. Instilling in their opponents a healthy sense of pride
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